I think I'll just jump right into it because there is no sugar coding this part... Back when I was in preschool my family used to attend church and I went to sunday school. Within that year, I was molested in a McDonald's play place. This caused my family to become a bit distant from church and God. While I was getting older, sports became my families Idol. Soccer and baseball became our whole life. We started to tell ourselves that we didn't have time to go to church. Fast Forward to Freshman year of High School where my best friend Carly, invited me to go to her youth group. Of course I wanted to go and see what it was like. I started attending this youth group on my own time without her asking me because I felt a connection to these people that I could not describe. They were different than the kids at school. They were accepting of me and it wasn't surface level. It went deeper than that, which is why they quickly became some of my best friends. Within that same year, my parents pulled me aside and decided to tell me about the incident that happened when I was in preschool. (There were specific reasons why it was important for me to know about it, but I'm respecting my families privacy.) I had not remembered anything about that incident until they brought it up. It felt like a flood gate cracking open and parts would come spewing out, but not everything. This rocked my world. I didn't really know what to do with this information at this point. I held it in because I didn't remember much about it so it didn't affect me emotionally. I went through high school just going through the motions and telling people I was a Christian because I went to church and believed in God.
I made the decision to go to Biola University, which is a private Christian college, to grow in my walk with God as well as get a good education in the area of elementary education. Without the incident happening when I was in preschool, I wouldn't have been able to go to Biola for financial reasons. This put a pressure on me to make something incredible happen from the terrible. I was trying to find my identity and my worth. I was getting buried by disappointment after disappointment and felt like I couldn't come up for air. My grades were slipping and I didn't get into the education program. I was fading and didn't know how to make things better or progress my life. I turned towards Jesus and kept asking for things to change. Things began to change and I was accepted into the education program late junior year. This mean't my senior year had to change and I had to do things different.
The summer going into senior year, I fainted in the doctors office and got car sick in Utah and this triggered in me the sprouting of my anxiety. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't exercise. I couldn't do a lot without having someone with me. I feared passing out, crowds, and darkness. My anxiety had a foothold on me and was not letting go. I did not know how I was going to make it through this year at this point. My roommates and boyfriend noticed that I wasn't myself. I told them about my anxiety, but I know they didn't understand, although they tried. I knew I had to do something about it, but I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I needed Jesus and scripture more than anything at that point. I decided to try praying at night to help bring peace to my heart. Every night I asked God for Him to calm my overwhelmed heart and bring me peace. Almost every night, I was able to pray myself to sleep. This helped me feel more refreshed and strong for the next day. I began putting all my anxiety in the hands of Jesus and my head and heart began to feel lighter. Jesus had a hold of my life and was not letting go. I was getting back on my feet and feeling a deeper connection with my family and friends.
I graduated, passed tests, built life-long connections, got connected in church, and ultimately felt better. This is all because of Jesus and the strengthening of my relationship with God. All of those stagnant and disappointing years were a part of my story to get me to commit my whole self to Christ, who loves, encourages, and strengthens me every day. I am thankful for the preschool incident because I wouldn't have gotten into Biola without it. I am thankful for Carly for sparking my interest in church and God again. I am thankful for my anxiety and hard college years for making me understand that I cannot do anything without the help of Jesus. Last, I am thankful for my boyfriend, friends, and family that have stuck with me through it all and have been such an encouraging light in my life. Jesus is my savior.
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